The Dragon's OTP
by Otempora42
Summary: One morning, Merlin finds a story about him and Arthur. Who wrote it? And why do ladies enjoy writing about two men so much anyway? Gen, bad pr0n and language, slight crack!fic.


**I actually have no idea where this came from. Enjoy anyway!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Merlin.**

The Dragon's OTP

When Merlin woke up one morning, he saw a piece of parchment lying on the floor beside his bed. Scratching his head, he sat up. He couldn't remember having dropped anything. Maybe Gaius had needed something from his room yesterday and forgotten it? Merlin bent over, picked it up, and went bright red.

"_Oh, Merlin," said Arthur._

"_Oh, Arthur," said Merlin._

_And then their mouths attacked each other. Arthur nearly inhaled the _kawaii _(A/N: that's Japanese for CUTE) boy's mouth, while Merlin's tongue spiraled inside Arthur's mouth._

"_Arthur," moaned Merlin._

"_Merlin," moaned Arthur._

_Then Arthur thrust his stiffened lovestick into Merlin's dark places, and they had sex. _

"What?" Merlin said. Who could... who would... _what? _

And just what the hell was a "lovestick", anyway?

He had to know who wrote this.

* * *

Gaius was out. He'd left a note saying that he'd gone to pick herbs, and would be back later. His handwriting didn't match that of the... story... so Merlin could safely assume he wasn't the culprit. Merlin was glad, at least, of that. He couldn't look at Gaius again without wondering what he was thinking.

So Merlin went to the only person who might – _might _– possibly not make fun of him forever over this.

* * *

When Gwen read the story, she burst out laughing.

"What's so funny?"

"It's so _bad._"

"I think that's the least of my worries, Gwen."

"I'm sorry... Do you have any idea who wrote it?"

"None. I was wondering if you knew, or how I could find out."

"I honestly don't know." Gwen handed him back the parchment, and then gave him a strange look. "You're not saying I wrote it, are you?"

"No!"

"Because I don't write this stuff. I mean, there was that one Roland/Oliver story I wrote, but I never showed anyone."

"Roland... and Oliver?"

"I was thirteen!" Gwen then turned back to folding clothes. "Besides, I like Roland/Marsile better now."

"What?"

Then the door opened. Merlin put the paper behind his back and faced Morgana.

"Hello, Merlin. Good to see you. Any reason why you're here?"

"N-no. I just dropped by to see Gwen, and I've seen Gwen, and now I'm leaving."

"Someone wrote slash about him and Arthur," Gwen said, smiling. Merlin glared at her. Morgana grinned.

"Let me see!"

"No."

Gwen snatched the parchment from his hands and held it out for Morgana. Morgana read it quickly. She looked disappointed.

"It's not very _good_, is it?"

"I thought it was funny," said Gwen.

"I've read funnier. You should see what Lady Helena has written about Tristan and Mark. It's hilarious."

"I'll take a look at it."

"So, this is completely normal for girls?" Merlin asked, with a vague feeling that he would never fully be able to understand women.

"Well, not _normal_," Morgana said, "but it's quite good fun."

"Anyway, do you have any idea who might have written it?"

"No," said Morgana. "Normally we, that is, the ladies who write things of this nature, sign their work with code names."

"Code names?"

"Like I'm Princess G," Gwen said. "I chose it when I was twelve."

"And I'm Dead Not Sleeping 13," said Morgana. "Lady Elaine took my name first."

"Ah," Merlin said.

Nope, _definitely _no chance of ever understanding girls.

* * *

"What took you so long?" Arthur said.

"I'm sorry," said Merlin. He had no intention of showing the parchment to Arthur. What if Arthur thought he'd written it himself?

"Now, my boots need mending, my clothes need washing, and my sword needs polishing."

"Yes, my lord." Arthur went to put on his jacket. Merlin took out the parchment again.

"_Oh, Arthur."_

"_Oh, Merlin."_

"_Arthur, I love you."_

"_Merlin, I love you, too."_

_And then they had sex again. (A/N: HAWT!)_

"What's that?" Arthur said. Merlin shoved it back into his pocket.

"Nothing."

"It's obviously not nothing. Let me see it!"

"No."

"Let me see it, or you're going back to the stocks."

"No."

Arthur stuck his hand into Merlin's pocket and got the parchment. _I'm sure that whoever wrote this would very much like to see this._

Arthur scanned the parchment. Then he looked at his servant.

"Merlin?"

"Sire?"

"Did you write this?"

"Of course not," Merlin said. "I found it by my bed this morning. That's where I was – I was asking Gwen and Morgana if they knew anyone who might have written it. Apparently there's a whole gaggle of ladies who write... this."

"But... we don't even take off our clothes."

"What?"

"It's ridiculous. Obviously whoever wrote this has never had sex."

Merlin supposed this must be what going mad felt like.

"And why anyone..." Arthur said. He shoved the parchment back into Merlin's hands. "Burn it, and let's never speak of this again."

"Agreed."

* * *

Arthur seemed to take out his anger at Merlin, because he'd had to do twice as much work as usual. When Merlin got home, he was exhausted.

"Hello," Gaius said. "How was your day?"

Wordlessly, Merlin handed him the parchment. Gaius read it quickly and shrugged.

"It's not so bad."

"What?"

"They wrote much worse about me and Uther, when we were young."

"People wrote about... you and Uther?"

"Two words that will haunt your nightmares forever, Merlin: furry fic." Gaius shuddered, and Merlin decided that he really didn't want to know what a furry fic was.

"But I don't get it. What's the appeal?"

"I've asked myself the same question many times," said Gaius. "I think that ladies simply like the idea of two men together. It makes them more... vulnerable."

"I suppose." Merlin looked down at the paper.

"Well, here's your paper," Gaius said, awkwardly. "What are you going to do?"

"Burn it, probably, and forget that it ever happened."

Gaius nodded. "A wise choice of action."

* * *

_A/N: god Merlin and Arthur r SOOOOOO oblivious! lol _

"_Oh, Arthur."_

"_Oh, Merlin."_

"_Arthur, I'm pregnant."_

"_Merlin, I'm pregnant, too."_

_And then they gave birth out their ass, and had two babies that they named after each other, and lived happily ever after._

_A/N: sequel Y/Y? _

The Great Dragon couldn't wait until the invention of the Internet.


End file.
